So you’ve been invited to a house chill. Awesome. But are you ready for the minefield of makeshift seating arrangements, where the seat you choose will determine your entire house chill destiny? OK…you probably are, and maybe we’re being slightly over dramatic, but that doesn’t make this blog any less valid.
1. The Couch.
OK, no pressure, but, actually, pressure. This is the main seat in the house. Take a good long look at the people at your side, you are now one. You are no longer mere individuals, you have joined to become an entity – “The Couch”. Like some kind of hive mind, you’ll switch between multiple conversations with every orbiting person. Prepare for a whirlwind of anecdotes, small talk, gossip, spillage, and awkward smile and nods. It’s why nobody can hack the couch for too long. But the real tragedy of the couch? You’re the closest to the snacks, but you never get to really enjoy them. Sadface.
2. The Folding Chair.
We get it, this feels like a low point. You’re on a chair so insignificant it spends most of its life not even in chair form, hidden away in some dark forsaken hole. Is it comfy? No. Does it come close to providing any kind of lumbar support? No. But is that going to stop you having a good time? Hell no. Become like the chair – temporary, fleeting, evanescent. No one will remember what you do or say while sitting in the folding chair, no one is going to take you seriously, so why take yourself seriously. This is your chance to be whoever you want to be. Invent a backstory, assume a character, and go with it. And if all else fails, get a cheap laugh by making the chair collapse while you’re sitting in it.
3. The Armchair
Well, hello there comfort. First thing you're gonna want to do is lord it over everyone who doesn't have their own personal arm rests. Make a loud relaxing "ahhh" sound to draw attention, lean back and sprawl those arms out all over the place. For an extra touch, hold your Green Monké can by the top and just give it a little swirl, this will make you look sophisticated - and we won't hear otherwise. An armchair at a party can be a powerful but lonely existence. You'll be cut off from the main conversation, but people will seek you out for life advice due to you immediately seemingly smarter and wiser. But remember, with great power comes great responsibility.
4. The Bar Stool
It may make you feel like you’re a contestant on some kind of game show, but the fact is you’ve already won. The bar stool is the most underrated seat at the party. Everyone looks cool sitting on a stool, and you know that’s true because it rhymes. I mean how can a seat designed for places called The Kitchen Island or the Breakfast Bar, not be amazing? Sure, there’s the awkwardness of your crotch being everyone else’s head height, but come on, that’s actually part of the fun if you’re being completely honest. Just remember these three little words and you’ll have a great time – Don’t Lean Back.
5. The Chaise Longue
Well first off, well done on getting yourself invited to a place with a chaise longue. This will be the seat where everyone pretends they’re having the best time, posting selfies to the Gram. But beware, the chaise longue is like a mermaid siren lulling you on to the rocks. It’s far too close to being a bed. Don’t let yourself fully lie down. As soon as your head is horizontal, that’s it. Game over. There’s no getting back up. You’ll start to become convinced you’re like a Greek deity. Why should you get up to get your own drink? Why isn’t someone bringing those chips closer? Why should you have to use your own muscles to chew? You’ll start barking out your orders, referring to everyone not currently on a chaise longue as a peasant and quickly become isolated. Finally, you’ll drift off into a sleep and the seat will have claimed another victim. But that’s OK, because according to Instagram you lived your #BestLife.
6. The Swivel Chair
You finally understand owls. The ability to spin 180 in the blink of an eye is exhilarating. You meet every conversation head-on. Tina and Carl are literally sitting right next to each other, but you still feel the need to swivel directly at each one of them when they speak. The party is your oyster, you can go anywhere, moving from place to place, person to person. You are more machine now than human. People’s toes are just immaterial casualties as you effortlessly glide (awkwardly shuffle) across the room. People look angry, but you know they’re just jealous.
7. The Dining Chair
The dining chair is a lot like life itself; it feels harder than it should be, no one’s quite sure what do with their arms, and you spend most your time feeling like you should be eating. Brace yourself, we’re not going to sugar coat this – you’re in the worst seat. Sure, it’s sturdy, looks OK…But where’s the personality? You feel like people are judging your posture, and you know what? They are. You’re just going to have to suck it up and sit up straight for a bit. If you feel you can pull it off, you can sit off to the side, hand over the back rest…but this is only for the pros out there. We suggest just sipping on that Green Monké and keeping an eye open for another seat opening up.
8. The Bean Bag
It’s ironic that the height of seating is indeed the lowest to the floor. The bean bag. You don’t simply sit on a bean bag, you’re absorbed. The deeper you sink, the deeper you think - another truth rhyme. You’ll have the sudden urge to contemplate the big questions in life like “Why are we here?” or “If nobody buys a ticket to a movie, do they still show it?”. Legend says you’re not allowed to leave the bean bag until you’ve had a life changing epiphany…we say it’s when your Green Monké can is empty. To the fridge!
Wherever you sit, it’s our completely impartial, unbiased opinion* that any seat is made infinitely better with a Green Monké in your hand. So make sure you’re stocked up here
*Opinion may be extremely partial and biased.