Green Monké is here to help everyone calm together, and that includes fictional characters from our favorite movies, video games, books and shows. Here's a list of those characters that need a Green Monké chill out more than anyone.
From: Jurassic Park
OK look we get it, the world has changed quite a bit in 65 million years, but it’s not all bad, we have pizza now. There’s just no need to go on a rampage of destruction, especially one that starts by killing a pretty cute goat. If the T-Rex from Jurassic Park had stopped chewing on car tires for one second and sipped on some Green Monké instead, everything would have been different. She really messed it up for a lot of dinosaurs, who have faced a pretty sizeable PR battle for hearts and minds since then. Also, if fewer people had died in Jurassic Park and the park had been allowed to open it may have saved us from having to watch Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom.
I mean come on, we’ve all thought about eating the occasional person when we’re hungry and there’s nothing in the fridge, but I’m pretty sure we would have all stopped at one…probably. The shark in jaws, nicknamed Bruce behind the scenes, really just needed to chill the F out. I mean the guy even started attacking boats, big wooden boats! We have one question “who hurt you?”. No good telling him to imagine a calm blue ocean, he was surrounded by it! The only thing that could have worked was a couple of cans of Green Monké. Also how satisfying would it be to pass him a can and say “Smile you son of a bitch” #triggered.
From: The Lion King
We understand young Simba was a bit of a brat, and Zazu was only doing his job, but he just needed to take it down a couple of notches. All work and no play and all that. We think a few Green Monké cans and the right company, and we would be hearing a lot more of his dry wit and a lot less of his up-tight moaning.
From: Lord of the Rings
Dude, it’s just a ring, you haven’t even got pants. We’ve met some pretty intense people in our time, but none quite like Gollum. If anybody needed to chill out a little, it’s this guy. If he thinks raw carp is tasty, then the tropical citrus flavor of Green Monké is really going to blow his mind. It'll be “Precious? What precious?” after a couple of cans.
6. Night King
From: Game of Thrones
If the only time you’re smiling is when someone riding a dragon is trying to kill you, it might be a sign you need to chill out more. Like, why are you even marching all this time if you’re not even enjoying it? Why are you just trying to destroy and kill everything? And the worst part is, he took ages to get to where he needed, and then was pretty swiftly dealt with. Less pointless angry marching, more Green Monké we say.
From: Spongebob Squarepants
Squidward must be on the verge of several heart attacks, he is way beyond a Chakra realignment. We admit Spongebob would probably drive anyone slightly insane from time-to-time, he’s someone who has definitely had one too many energy drinks, so it makes sense that a hemp extract drink would be the perfect antidote. Considered rude, stubborn, grumpy, unsociable we believe he's just misunderstood and a good Green Monké get together would be the making of a whole new Squidward. Krabby Patties all round.
A passive aggressive, abusive AI core who essentially just keeps trying to kill things in sadistic ways? That’s not very Green Monké. We may have our work cut out to get GLaDOS to relax a little bit, I mean the first problem is where do we even pour it? But there’s no denying that beyond the murderous rage, there’s a funny, awesome personality. Just maybe be a bit careful if she offers you any cake.
3. Alpha 5
From: Power Rangers
When you’re main catchphrase is “Ai yi yi” because of how often you panic, you definitely need to chill out more. Alpha is the extremely stressed, panic ridden robot from Power Rangers. What made this more baffling was that the Power Rangers, as far as we can remember followed pretty much the same formula most episodes, how had Alpha learnt not to just chill out and realise the Power Rangers have got this?
Leela is awesome, we’re definitely not saying she’s not, let’s make that clear. But she works too hard, stresses too much and can be a bit uptight. We want her to just take a day off occasionally, have a few cans of Green Monké and relax a little. Unlike most others on the list, she deserves it.
We’ve had our bad days, who doesn’t? But we’ve never gone on a destructive rampage across an entire city. Whenever we watch anything from the Godzilla universe, we’re baffled. Why are they firing missiles at it? Why aren’t they simply offering it a few cans of Green Monké? We’ve written several letters but errrm we think something got lost in translation and we ended up with Godzilla vs Kong.
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